Let me tell you a secret (you’ll know more about me now)

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Let me tell you a secret (you’ll know more about me now)

I was strolling Facebook this morning… everyone does… it’s a routine lol anyway, I came across a video about a boy obsessed with his body posted by my friend. I watched it and instantly was taken back to a time I dreaded and almost cried because I knew exactly how this kid felt. He tells his story and I thought… maybe I should tell mine. I never have not to a single soul but I will now and open up to let everyone in on a secret about myself.

When I was little I was chunky, I had fat little knees, a little belly and a little round face. I wish I had pictures to post but I don’t. The reason I don’t is because I pretty much got rid of any and all reminders of it and it’s terrible. Let me tell you why.

Elementary, Middle School, and High School were filled with me being bullied. I was the fat kid everyone could make fun of, it was easy. I was a great target, I never fought back, I just sat there quietly as they made fun of me, I never told the teacher and I’d never not be fat so why not make fun of me. I got spit balls thrown at my hair, had people make jokes about my fat self being crammed into a chair right in front of my face and heard every single nick name in the book of fat kid names. I assure you if any kid was bullied it was me. I hated my life, I was fat, I had few friends, no boy liked me or ever would. I was once told I should plan to be a nun when I grew up because surely no man would ever consider having sex with me.

Skip forward to freshman year in highschool.

I think I want to be like every other beautiful girl, I want to be thin. So I read and read and read on how to be thin. Everyone knows it’s diet and exercise right?

I did away with trans fat, ate no carbs, did not eat past 5 pm, did crunches like crazy, did not eat anything with a high calorie or fat content, started to eat celery because it was a negative calorie food. Then I became obsessed. I’d cry if I ate anything over a certain number of calories. I ate no more than 1,000 calories a day all before 5pm and would exercise a max amount to burn 1500 calories a day to 2000. I was making myself lose weight everyone praised me. I finally got the attention of a boy I was gaga over.

I graduated from high school… was THIN as much as I could be and he asked me to marry him.

This is the thinnest I have ever been, this is the thinnest you will ever see me, and the thinnest I will ever be in my entire life.

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I’d hear you look so amazing… you look great, you’ve done such a good job. What no one knew was that I was always hungry. My chest bones hurt for some reason, I was afraid to eat anything that could make me gain a pound. I stood on the scale multiple times a day and cried if I did in fact gain a pound. My hip bones hurt, my back hurt, my head hurt and my heart hurt. I still saw myself looking 300 lbs in every picture and I’d write notes to myself saying “your not hungry your fat!” I became my biggest bully and my new husband ate it up. He loved how I looked and told me to stay that way.

After a while I thought I was going to die. I really did I’m serious I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die! But, I didn’t I decided maybe I can eat again maybe if I do it in a healthy way I can avoid getting fat. So I ate and it made me balloon up because I had basically been starving myself for so long. My first husband put me back on my original diet to get thin and be how he liked me. It started to hurt again and no where in my mind did I for one second think this guy doesn’t really love me no I thought I’m disgusting I’m horrible I need to get rid of this fat or lose the love of my life!

Then I got pregnant and realized my baby did not deserve to be starved. I took care of myself during pregnancy and yea I grew. My first husband never wanted children, my little one was seen as a mistake. He asked early on “get rid of it”. I chose to keep my baby and stopped feeling pain. After my son was born I was chubby. I was fat it’s pretty safe to say.

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My husband said these few words the same day he left me and my son “look at yourself, your disgusting.”

Then starts my road to actually being healthy. With just me and my son I discovered a healthy way to eat not diet, I exercised and SLOWLY fell into a healthy weight a few sizes above my skinniest picture above:

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This is me at my HEALTHIEST weight, with eating, exercise and no more negativity in my life:

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I’m now remarried, just had a baby 7 months ago and guess what… I’m chubby but I’m happy. I will slowly lose the weight, I have an amazing supportive husband who loves me for who I truly am and the idea of a potato chip will not throw me into a depression. I lose weight slowly, I’ll never be a twig or a size zero. By the way the picture above at my HEALTHIEST is me happy in a size 12 at 160lbs. I’m not built to be a zero, I will never be nor do I ever want to be, I’m now over 200 lbs just like I was after my last pregnancy but I do know I will lose it and I’ll be doing it slow, safely, and happily.

I’ve lost about 10 lbs since this picture was taken but I’ll post it any way because it’s what I looked like after my second was born and I’m working it off the right way!

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Eating disorders aren’t just a problem for the skinniest of the skinny and I lived with it for a long time. I’m happy with myself now and know I can become healthier I’m confident and not that bullied little girl. I wish so much I could help every person who felt as I did and tell them they are beautiful as they are that they don’t have to meet societies idea of perfect! I’ll never force myself to go without food for a day because I ate beyond my 1,000 calories the day before!

I’ll never ever do that to myself again because I discovered I’d rather be alive than kill myself to look the way anyone else is happy with me!

p.s. this was the video: watch

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Posted in: Daily life, Food

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